Starting Divorce Proceedings
October 6, 2011
She sat there in the paralegal's office crying the whole time.
I wanted to reach my hand out to console her, but how could I? I was the one who petitioned for divorce. I knew she could see 21 years of marriage coming to an end. Yet, she wasn't fighting me. She was letting me have my freedom with grace.
I suppose I could feel better about myself if she fought me for every last cent. But then again, I pretty much gave her every last cent.
I keep asking myself if I'm leaving her for another woman, or if I'm leaving her for my freedom. True, it was another woman who inspired me to leave, but I've been wanting to leave that marriage for several years, long before I ever met Tina.
Many people have told me that they didn't understand how I could stay in that marriage for all those years. They didn't think we were a good fit. Other people have maligned her, making it sound as if she was some kind of poison. I don't know.
She still seems today the same person she's always been. I can't really fault her for my leaving. It got to a point where I just wasn't happy anymore. I tried to explain my feelings to her, but she and I see things in different perspectives. It's hard for her to understand the way I see myself and the world. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling only content at best. I wanted to feel fulfilled.
In looking back, I married her for the wrong reasons. It was the closeness of her family that I fell in love with. The way her parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews all embraced me into their fold. They made me feel like a part of their family in a way my family never did for me. Her father embraced me as if I was the son he never had, in a way my birth father or step-father never did.
But as time went on, and family members began dying off or moving away, that family closeness seemed to fall apart. Now, it was left to just my wife and I.
And the thing is that I never asked her to marry me. It was as if she and I were expected to marry. Her family embraced me so much, that it was like a foregone conclusion that we were to marry someday. And the longer time went on, the more impatient her family became. Finally, she asked me, "So when are we going to get married?"
I didn't know how to answer that at first. I had gained such a comfort level with just being boyfriend and girlfriend, and relishing my time with her family, that I didn't want to lose all that. So, I answered her back with, "How about St. Patrick's Day?"
Fast forward to the last few years. We discovered we have very little in common. We don't like the same movies, we don't like the same food, we don't like the same activities. It's hard to feel passionate for someone who doesn't connect with you on any level.
We didn't even sleep in the same room. Not because we couldn't stand each other, but because that was the only way we could any good sleep. She needed the television on to fall asleep, and I needed it turned off. I kept waking her up with my constant shifting around in bed, and she kept waking me up with her CPAP mask making fart sounds.
Not to say our relationship was bad, it wasn't. I had fun going on vacations and weekend trips with her. But I didn't feel completely fulfilled, and after 21 years of marriage, I was convinced I would never feel fulfilled.
Some people say that I'm leaving her for another woman and that I'll burn in Hell for it. But I don't believe in Hell, Heaven, or God. I simply believe that the Universe and everything in it has a way of bringing things together to create harmony. Just like the way stars orbit a galaxy, and the way planets orbit a sun, and the way moons orbit a planet, people who are meant to be together orbit each other, and those who are not, were meant to leave.

