Betrayal and Bond
July 22, 2012
I hadn't felt this isolated in such a long time.
The words that came from my stepmother pointed me out like a criminal in a line up of suspects. That cold, dead feeling came down like walls shutting off all my senses, forcing me to withdraw into myself.
Since my dad was taken off chemotherapy, it seems he has only a few months to live. And after spending my life feeling hurt from the abandonment, my window of opportunity to heal is quickly closing.
I tell him how much I hurt inside. I tell him exactly how I feel, I tell him the thoughts that run through my head, and I explain everything I did in my past, all for the purpose of getting it off my chest and explaining all the mysteries of my strange, unconventional behavior. I was forthcoming with my heart, holding nothing back, but with no intention to hurt him.
Yet I already understood my words could hurt. I know he's sensitive. But I assured him I wasn't angry, and that my intention was only to connect with him on a deep, emotional level. He seemed to understand, insofar that he was kind and gentle in his response.
Now it seems my step-brother and step-sister are angry with me based on words they've posted on Facebook and based on things my step-mother is saying. It seems they believe my intent was to hurt my father for the hurt I felt as a child.
I know my father told his wife about all the things I said, its his way of analyzing things. But I know him enough to know that he makes his own decisions, despite conflicting words he may say to his wife.
And it was only months ago, when his cancer was diagnosed, the she praised me as her son, and expressed how happy she was to see me reaching out to my dad. But that happiness wasn't true. Inside, she resented me. I was the last vestige of his old life. I was a little annoyance tugging at his pants, reminding him of his old failures. That's why she didn't like me.
So now, she and her son and daughter are seemingly against me. My father's dying wish is that we all embrace as one big happy family. But how can I?
It was tough enough just to reach out to my dad and put all of emotions on the table. And it was only possible for me to do that from the precious moments we had when I was a little boy. I never had such moments with my step-mother, step-brother, and step-sister.
I need to feel like I belong somewhere. Even when my father dies, I know he will be with me. I feel like I'm investing myself towards a spiritual bond with him, even if its painful right now.


